In the moment
What to say
Words for a hard conversation, whether it starts in five minutes or has already begun.
Hard times
- Someone shares bad newsA friend, family member or colleague has just told you something hard: a job lost, a relationship ended, a result they were dreading.
- Someone is crying in front of youSomeone breaks down in front of you, at home, at work or somewhere public.
- Supporting a friend whose loved one has diedSomeone close to you has had a person they love die.
- Asking someone how they're really goingSomeone you care about hasn't seemed themselves: shorter replies, cancelled plans, going quiet.
- You're worried someone might be thinking about suicideSomething they've said has frightened you: talk of being a burden, of everyone being better off without them, or of not wanting to wake up.Includes crisis support
- A friend or family member has a serious diagnosisSomeone you love has just told you they have cancer or another serious illness.
- You're worried about someone's drinking or drug useSomeone you care about is drinking or using more than is good for them.
- Someone tells you they're being hurt at homeA friend, relative or colleague tells you that a partner, parent or other family member is hurting, threatening or controlling them.Includes crisis support
- Someone you love has relapsedThey were doing well, and now they've used again.
- You need to step back from supporting someoneYou've been the one they call, at every hour, for months.
- Someone you love is dying and you don't know what to sayThe treatment has stopped working, or there never was any, and the time is short.
- A friend is caring for someone and running on emptyTheir partner, parent or child is ill, and they're doing everything: the appointments, the medication, the house, the worry.
- A colleague is back at work after a deathSomeone on your team has lost a parent, a partner or a child, and they're back at their desk.
- Your own doctor's appointment, and getting what you need from itYou've got something worrying to raise, maybe a question you've been putting off for weeks, and a doctor with fifteen minutes and a waiting room.
Partner
- Your partner is upset with youThey're hurt or angry about something you did, or didn't do.
- Apologising properly after you've hurt your partnerYou said or did something that hurt them, and a quick "sorry" hasn't cleared the air.
- Raising something that's been bothering youSomething keeps niggling at you and you've been swallowing it.
- You're flooded mid-argument and need a breakYour heart's pounding, you're talking faster and you can feel yourself about to say something you can't take back.
- You feel disconnected and want to reach backNothing's exactly wrong, but you've drifted into logistics and phones.
- Early dating: getting past small talkYou're on a first or second date and it's stuck on jobs, suburbs and the weather.
- Early dating: asking where things are headingYou've been seeing someone for a while and you want to know whether you're on the same page.
- Housework, the mental load and who does whatThe dishes, the washing, the forms for school, the fact that you're the one who notices: it keeps coming up and it keeps going nowhere.
- Talking about sex and desire with your partnerYou want more, or less, or something different, and neither of you has said so out loud.
- Deciding something big togetherA job in another city, whether to have a child, a house, a move back home, a sum you'd both have to live with for years.
- Agreeing with your partner how to handle their parents (or yours)Their mother reorganises your kitchen, your father has views on how the children are raised, and the two of you end up arguing with each other instead of handling it.
- Telling your partner you're not okayYou've been saying "fine" for weeks and you're not.Includes crisis support
- Your partner is grieving, or has had bad newsSomeone they love has died, they've lost their job, a pregnancy has ended, or a result has come back that changes things.
- Ending a relationshipYou've decided it's over, whether you're a few months in or years in.
- Meeting your partner's parentsTheir parents have asked to meet you, the date is set, and "just be yourself" isn't helping.
Family
- Your teenager won't talk to youOne-word answers, eye-rolls, straight to their room.
- A hard conversation with your teenagerYou need to raise something serious: online safety, school, alcohol or drugs, sex, or how they're coping.Includes crisis support
- Worried about an ageing parent: driving, care or safetyYou've noticed things (a scrape on the car, missed tablets, bills piling up) and you're worried.
- Repairing a rift with a siblingSomething sits between you and your brother or sister, maybe an old childhood hurt or a falling-out over a parent, and it colours every family event.
- Setting a boundary with a parent or in-lawA parent or in-law keeps doing something that hurts or oversteps: comments on your body, advice on your parenting, dropping in unannounced.
- A family member says something hurtful at a gatheringChristmas lunch, Diwali, a birthday barbecue: someone makes a pointed joke, a dig about your weight, or asks the question you've been dreading, in front of everyone.
- Your grown-up child doesn't want your adviceThey ring about a problem and you launch into what they should do, and they cut you off: "I wasn't asking for advice." You want to stay close without treating them like they're still twelve.
- Talking to your ex about the kidsYou're separated, and every handover is clipped logistics or a fight waiting to happen.
- Phones, screens and online safety with your teenagerTheir phone is never out of their hand, you have no idea what's on it, and every attempt to talk about it becomes a fight about trust.
- Your child is being bulliedThey've gone quiet, or exploded over nothing, and it has come out that someone at school or online is making their life miserable.Includes crisis support
- Sharing the care of an ageing parent with your siblingsMum or Dad needs more help, and somehow most of it has landed on one of you.
- An older relative who doesn't understand your lifeYour grandfather thinks you should own a house by now and that your job isn't a real job.
- Telling your parents about a decision they won't likeYou're moving overseas, leaving the career they're proud of, marrying someone they haven't warmed to, or not having children.
- Telling your children you're separatingThe decision is made, or has been made for you, and now the children have to be told.
- Telling a parent you can't be their carerThe family conversation has moved from "how do we help Mum" to "who's going to do it", and the honest answer is: not you, or not full time, or not in your home.
- Coming out to your familyThere's something true about you that your family doesn't know, and you suspect they won't like it: you're gay, or trans, or bisexual, or you've left the faith you were raised in, or you're not going to marry inside the community, or at all.
Friends
- Making small talk at a party where you barely know anyoneYou're at a barbecue or a party, plate in hand, and the friend who invited you is deep in conversation across the yard.
- Starting a conversation with someone newYou're at a class, a club, a new job or a community event, and there's someone you'd like to talk to.
- Getting back in touch with a friend after a long gapIt's been months, maybe years.
- A friend hurt you and you haven't said anythingThey cancelled again, left you out, or said something that stung, and you let it slide.
- You hurt a friend and want to put it rightYou let them down, said something careless or went quiet when they needed you.
- Setting a boundary with a friend, kindlyA friend is leaning on you more than you can manage: daily calls, every catch-up turning into a crisis session, favours that keep growing.
- Asking for help without feeling awkwardYou need a hand, practical or emotional, and asking feels like admitting you can't cope, so you keep struggling on alone.
- Someone starts gossiping about a person who isn't thereA friend, relative or colleague starts picking apart someone who isn't in the room.
- Thanking someone so it actually landsSomeone did something that mattered to you, and a quick "cheers" doesn't cover it.
- Asking someone you chat with to be a proper friendThere's someone you always drift towards: the person at work, the parent at the school gate, the neighbour over the fence.
- You're jealous of a friend and ashamed of itYour closest friend just got engaged, or promoted, or has a new friend they can't stop mentioning.
- You've been left out by your friend groupThe photos went up and you weren't there.
- A dispute with a neighbourThe noise from upstairs, the fence that went up without a word, the car across your driveway.
- Saying no to a favour you can't doA friend has asked you to help them move on Saturday, or do the 5am airport run, or mind the kids for a weekend, and you can't, or you don't want to.
- A friend wants you to take sidesTwo of your friends have fallen out and each wants to know you're with them.
- You're worried about a friend's new partnerYour closest friend is in love, and each time you meet the new partner you like them a little less: the joke that wasn't quite a joke, the cancelled plans, the messages that don't sound like your friend.
Work
- Asking for a pay riseYou believe your pay hasn't kept up with what you contribute.
- You and a colleague see it differentlyYou and a colleague disagree about a project, a decision or how the work should be done, and it's starting to get tense.
- Giving someone feedback they won't enjoyA team member's or colleague's work has been slipping, or something they do keeps causing problems.
- Someone criticises your work and it stingsA manager, colleague or client has just told you something about your work you didn't want to hear.
- Your manager keeps adding to your plateNew projects keep arriving and nothing comes off.
- Talking across cultural differences at workA colleague, client or new team member comes from a different background and things keep getting lost: long silences, a "yes" that didn't mean yes, feedback that felt too blunt or too vague.
- You made a mistake at work and need to own itYou got something wrong: a date you missed, the wrong figures sent to a client, a call that cost the team.
- You keep getting talked over in meetingsSomeone cuts across you before you've finished, or one person takes most of the airtime and the rest of the room has quietly given up.
- Telling your team something they won't want to hearA decision has come down: a restructure, a cut, a project scrapped, a change nobody asked for.
- Making someone redundant, or letting them goWhether it's a redundancy or a dismissal, you have to tell someone their job is ending.
- A colleague's behaviour has crossed a lineA comment that wasn't a joke, a pattern of put-downs, something that looks dishonest or unsafe.
- Your team goes quiet when you ask for inputYou ask "any thoughts?" and get the sound of people studying their laptops.
- Telling your manager you're leavingYou've accepted another role, or decided to go without one, and now you have to tell the manager who backed you.
Money
- Bringing up money with your partnerYou need to talk about spending, saving or a big decision, and money talks between you tend to go sideways.
- Talking about money with your familyShared costs, help for an ageing parent, a loan to a sibling or what's in the will.
- Saying no when someone asks to borrow moneyA friend or relative asks for a loan.
- Asking a friend to pay back money you lentYou lent a friend money months ago.
- Telling someone you're in financial troubleDebt, a lost job or a business going under, and you've been keeping it to yourself.Includes crisis support
- Chasing a client who hasn't paidThe work is done, the invoice is overdue, and it's a client you'd like to keep.
- Quoting your price without flinchingA client asks "how much?", or says your rate is higher than the others they've spoken to.
- Negotiating with a supplier or contractorYour supplier has changed the terms, or you've grown and want a better deal, or a contractor's quote has come in high.
- Money between you and your business partnerYou're putting in sixty hours and they're doing thirty, or they want to draw more out while you want to reinvest.
- A relative asks you to invest in their businessYour brother needs five thousand to get his business off the ground, or your daughter wants you to come in on hers.
- Splitting costs with friendsThe bill arrives and someone says "shall we just split it?" when you had the pasta and they had the steak and three cocktails.
- Being asked to go guarantor on a loanYour daughter, your brother or your dad needs a signature before the bank will lend to them, and it's presented as a formality.
- A big purchase you want to make, or have already madeYou've got your eye on the car, the renovation or the bike that costs more than the car, and you know what their face will do.