Partner

Your partner is grieving, or has had bad news

Someone they love has died, they've lost their job, a pregnancy has ended, or a result has come back that changes things. You live with this one; you can't drop round and go home. And sometimes it's your loss too.

What they need from you, and why

A partner's loss comes home every night. They may hide the worst of it to protect you, and what you see may not look like grief at all: busy, flat, short with you, asleep by nine. The Emotional Intelligence module tells of Marcus, made redundant after eleven years, sitting on the edge of the bed with his shoes on, and Aisha, whose mind lit up with solutions (the union, the CV, her brother-in-law's contact) and who caught the reflex and let it pass. "Oh, Marcus," she said, and sat down. He talked. When he said he felt like nothing, she didn't argue; she said eleven years was a part of who he was. "You didn't try to make it better," he told her later. "That's why it felt better."

What they need is to be met rather than managed: the facts, the feeling, the impact and what it means, acknowledged in that order and without a reframe, and the choice between being listened to and being helped. The Grief & Loss add-on adds something that matters most at home. Terry Martin and Kenneth Doka, in Men Don't Cry... Women Do (2000, revised as Grieving Beyond Gender in 2010), describe two broad patterns of grieving, both normal: intuitive grievers feel their way through, and need to cry and talk; instrumental grievers think and do their way through, and are just as affected while looking less so. Neither style says anything about how much they loved the person, and pushing someone towards the other style rarely helps. When the loss is yours as well, this is the thing to know: you may grieve nothing alike, and that isn't a verdict on either of you.

The Long-term Love add-on's advice for hard stretches fills in the rest: acknowledge the losses inside a change, don't compete over who's struggling more, name stress out loud so it isn't read as anger, and take turns being the strong one. Grief and bad news don't move through stages on a schedule, so expect the steady days and the terrible ones to be mixed up for a long while. If, a long time on, it is still as raw as the first week and daily life is very hard, a GP, doctor or grief counsellor can help; that's the add-on's advice, and it's not a judgement on them.

Understand it properly

First

Sit down next to them. Notice the urge to fix, and let it pass before you open your mouth.

You could say

Oh, [their name].
The module's example is exactly that, two words, then sitting down beside him. It says the news has landed and you're not going to do anything with it yet.
Do you want me to listen, or help? Either's fine.
One question, and you stop guessing. The husband in the module who learnt to ask it said it changed his marriage, conversation by conversation.
[Eleven years] there. Of course this feels like losing a part of who you are.
Facts, feeling, impact and meaning in one sentence, with no reframe. "Don't be silly, you're amazing" would have been the reflex, and it would have closed him down.
You don't have to be okay for me.
Partners protect each other by performing. Taking the performance off the table is the kindest thing you can offer at home.
I know you usually deal with things by getting on with them. If today's different, that's fine too.
It respects how they normally cope while leaving room for a day that doesn't fit the pattern; the add-on's advice is to flex, not to push.
I'm stretched too, and I'm not asking you to look after me. Can we take turns?
When the loss is shared, saying this out loud stops the two of you competing over who's struggling more, and makes it a team again.

If it goes badly

Three ways this can turn. Read the one that happens; the others can wait.

You've said something like

Oh, [their name].

If they snap at you
You're allowed to be angry. I'm still here.
Grief and bad news often come out sideways at the nearest person. Staying steady, rather than matching it, keeps you on their side of it.
If they shut you out and keep busy
Okay. I'll leave you to it. I'm around, and I'm not reading the busy-ness as you being fine.
For an instrumental griever, doing is grieving, and processing inside before sharing is natural. Respecting it, while saying you can see through it, keeps the door open.
If they say they're fine when they clearly aren't
You don't have to be fine with me. Whenever you want to say more, I'll listen, and I won't try to fix it.
The promise not to fix is often what makes it safe to say more. "Fine" is usually a guess about how you'll react.

Send them to yourself, or to someone helping you.

Try not to say

"Don't be silly, you're amazing."
Said to "I feel like I'm nothing", it argues with the feeling instead of meeting it. The module's partner said the opposite, and that's why it helped.
Call the union, update the CV, my brother knows someone
The fix-it reflex. Every one of those may be useful next week; tonight they say "I'd like this to be over".
"You need to talk about it." or "Why aren't you more upset?"
Some people grieve by doing and thinking rather than talking and crying. Martin and Doka found that pushing someone to grieve in a style that isn't theirs rarely helps and can leave them feeling they've failed.
"I'm grieving too, you know."
True, maybe, and worth saying another way at another time. As a reply to their pain, it turns comfort into a contest.

Afterwards

Keep asking "listen or help?" for weeks, because the answer changes by the day. Say the name of the person who died, and the name of the job, rather than steering around them. Expect the roles at home to shift for a while, who cooks, who drives, who deals with the phone calls, and renegotiate them out loud instead of silently absorbing them. If it's your loss too, find your own person to lean on so that you're not each other's only support, and tell your partner when it's your turn to be the one who can't. The grief entry under Hard times has more on the months ahead.

Understand it properly

The words above come from these. A section is about ten minutes; the whole module is there when you have longer.

Where this comes from

Emotional Intelligence: the fix-it reflex and the four layers of acknowledgement (Marcus and Aisha), "Do you want me to listen or help?" (David and Laura), Dan finding better words than "fine" (emotional granularity)
Grief & Loss Support add-on: Martin and Doka on intuitive and instrumental grieving (Men Don't Cry... Women Do, 2000; Grieving Beyond Gender, 2010), the STYLE memory aid, when to point to a GP, doctor or grief counsellor
Long-term Love & Partnership add-on: the JOURNEY framework for life transitions (join forces before the challenge, open communication about impact, role changes, naming stress so it is not read as anger, taking turns being strong)

We gather and pass on what researchers and support organisations have found. This isn't a replacement for a doctor, counsellor or support service.

What they need from you, and why

You could say

If it goes badly

Share these words

Try not to say

Afterwards

Understand it properly