Deeper Dialogues

What do you need to say?

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What to say

Hard times

You're worried someone might be thinking about suicide

Something they've said has frightened you: talk of being a burden, of everyone being better off without them, or of not wanting to wake up. You're scared that asking will make it worse. It won't. If you're unsure how serious it is, crisis lines take calls from worried friends and family too.

What they need from you, and why

Someone talking about being a burden, about everyone being better off without them, or about not wanting to wake up is usually in a kind of pain they can't see past. Edwin Shneidman, often called the father of modern suicidology, argued that the aim is to make the pain stop rather than to die for its own sake, and that most people in a suicidal crisis are torn: part of them wants to die, and part of them wants to live.

They need someone to ask plainly, to stay calm, to help them get through tonight, and to bring in more help than one person can give. The Mental Health & Crisis Support module describes the tunnel vision of a crisis: thinking narrows, it's hard to take much in, so speak slowly and simply and focus on immediate safety rather than plans for the future.

Asking does not plant the idea. A 2014 systematic review by Dazzi and colleagues looked at 13 studies and found no significant increase in suicidal thoughts among people who were asked about suicide; the findings suggested talking about it may even ease them. Only around half of people who die by suicide told someone first, so waiting to be told isn't a plan. If they're in immediate danger, stay with them and call your local emergency number (000 in Australia, 111 in New Zealand, 999 in the UK, 112 or 999 in Ireland, 911 in Canada and the US, 112 in India); the Resources page lists crisis lines for your country.

Understand it properly

First

Find somewhere private, take a slow breath, and settle yourself so your voice can stay calm whatever they say.

You could say

  • Some of the things you've said lately have worried me. Can we talk about it?

    Naming what you heard tells them you were listening, and asks rather than ambushes.

  • Are you thinking about suicide?

    The plain word, asked with care, speaks to the part of them that wants to live and breaks the secrecy that feeds the thoughts.

  • Thank you for telling me. You're not on your own with this now.

    Isolation feeds a crisis; the first thing you can give is company in it.

  • Do you feel safe being alone right now?

    It moves to the question that decides what happens next, without a lecture.

  • Let's ring a crisis line together, now. I'll stay on with you.

    Keeping someone safe takes more than one person, and doing it together removes the step they can't manage alone.

  • Let's just get you through tonight. Tomorrow we'll work out tomorrow.

    In the tunnel vision of a crisis the future is unthinkable; a plan for the next few hours is one they can hold.

If it goes badly

Three ways this can turn. Read the one that happens; the others can wait.

You've said something like

Some of the things you've said lately have worried me. Can we talk about it?

  • If they say "forget it" and shut down

    I'm not going to forget it, because I care about you. We can go slowly, but I'm staying.

    Pulling back is common once someone has said more than they meant to; steadiness rather than pressure keeps the door open.

  • If they get angry that you asked

    You can be angry with me. I'd rather ask and be wrong than not ask.

    A calm, unoffended answer shows the question came from care, not judgement, and keeps you in the room.

  • If they ask you to keep it secret

    I can't promise that, because I want you to be safe. I can promise to be with you while we get help.

    Secrecy keeps someone alone with the danger; safety takes more than one person.

Share these words

Send them to yourself, or to someone helping you.

Try not to say

  • "Don't talk like that! You have so much to live for!"

    It shuts the conversation down, and they learn not to tell you again.

  • Hinting with euphemisms, or only asking "Are you okay?"

    It leaves them to volunteer something that carries enormous shame, and many people never do.

  • "Promise me you won't do anything."

    A promise gives them nothing to do when things get bad; a plan and a person to call do.

  • Agreeing to keep it a secret

    Keeping someone safe takes more than one person, so bring in their doctor, a crisis line or others they trust.

  • Leaving them alone if you think they're in danger

    Stay with them, or stay on the phone, while you get help.

Afterwards

Stay in touch the next day and the days after, by message if that's easier for them, and ask plainly how they're going. Help with the practical steps: a doctor's appointment, a crisis line number saved in their phone, one more person they trust who knows. Risk rises and falls with stress, sleep, alcohol and conflict, so a good day is not the end of it. And look after yourself: supporting someone through this is heavy, and the crisis lines take calls from worried friends and family too.

Understand it properly

The words above come from these. A section is about ten minutes; the whole module is there when you have longer.

Where this comes from
  • Deeper Dialogues, Mental Health & Crisis Support: warning signs, asking directly about suicide (Dazzi et al., 2014), stigma (Bruce Link), and encouraging professional help

We gather and pass on what researchers and support organisations have found. This isn't a replacement for a doctor, counsellor or support service.