Deeper Dialogues

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What to say

Family

Telling your children you're separating

The decision is made, or has been made for you, and now the children have to be told. They've probably sensed something; what they don't have yet is a true account of what is happening and what it means for them.

What they need from you, and why

Children are keen observers of the weather in their own homes, so yours probably know something already. What they don't have, until you give it to them, is a true account of what is happening and what it means for them. In a Joseph Rowntree Foundation study of 190 families in England, Judy Dunn and her colleagues (2001) interviewed the children themselves: as many as one in four said no one had talked to them about the separation at the time, and only a small minority had been given a full explanation. They weren't asking for the adult story. They were asking to be told. And many children quietly assume they caused it, and never say so.

What they need is the news in plain words, early, from both of you if you possibly can, with the practical questions answered and the blame left out. The organisations that work with separating families (the Raising Children Network in Australia, Relate and Cafcass in England and Wales, One Family in Ireland, the Quebec government's JuridiQC service) give advice that lines up to a remarkable degree: tell them as soon as the decision is made and before anyone moves out, tell them together so they see you can still act as their parents, keep it simple and honest, say before they ask that it isn't their fault and that you both love them, answer where they'll live and who will look after them, expect the same questions again in the weeks that follow, and have both parents around for the rest of that day. The Parent-Child Communication module's STEADY conversation walks through it, including the version where the other parent won't do it with you: tell them yourself, as calmly and fairly as you can, and don't explain the other parent's absence with blame. With a wide age gap, tell them together and then give each child a few minutes alone, as JuridiQC suggests; a teenager has questions a six-year-old shouldn't have to sit through.

The research is clearer than the folklore, and kinder. Paul Amato and Bruce Keith (1991) pooled 92 studies: children whose parents divorced did score lower on average for wellbeing, behaviour and school outcomes, but the typical difference was small, about a seventh of a standard deviation, and the explanation that fitted the data best was conflict between the parents, not the absence of a parent or the drop in income, though both played a part. Joan Kelly and Robert Emery (2003) found that most children whose parents separate show resilience and go on to lead ordinary lives, while many carry painful memories into adulthood; they were careful to distinguish painful memories from disorder. Your job is not to prevent the sadness. It is to prevent the things that do damage. Mark Cummings and his colleagues (1991) showed children recorded arguments that ended in different ways, and the children's distress tracked how fully the argument was resolved: what they see of how the two of you treat each other, now that you're apart, is what they will be living in. The law on parenting arrangements, and the services that help you make them, differ between the countries this app serves; agree what you can between you before you talk to the children, and get local advice for the rest.

Understand it properly

First

Settle the plan with the other parent before the children hear anything: the one-sentence reason you'll both give, what changes and what stays the same, how they'll see each of you, and that neither of you will blame the other. If the other parent won't do it with you, decide what you can honestly promise on your own.

You could say

  • We've got something important to tell you, and it's hard to say. We've decided we're not going to live together any more.

    Say it in the first minute. Children can hear a long wind-up coming, and the wait is worse than the news.

  • We both love you. That's the one thing that isn't changing.

    Say it straight away, before they ask. Underneath every other question, this is the one they're listening for.

  • This is a grown-up decision about grown-up things. Nothing you did made it happen, and nothing you could have done would have stopped it.

    Many children assume they caused it and never say so, so the module says to say the words whether or not they ask.

  • Your school, your friends and Saturday sport aren't changing. What's changing is where each of us lives, and here's how that will work. If we don't know something yet, we'll say so, and we'll tell you as soon as we do.

    The questions children most want answered are practical, and "we'll see" is frightening to a child. Cafcass suggests "We don't know yet, but we will work on it" when you honestly don't.

  • Dad wanted to be here and couldn't. He loves you, and he'll talk to you himself.

    If you're telling them alone, say only what's true: if the first sentence isn't, "he'll talk to you himself" is enough. Don't explain the other parent's absence with blame.

  • You can ask me anything about this, today or any day. Even the same thing twice.

    End with a door, not a full stop. Children process this in pieces over weeks and come back with the same question as if they'd never asked it.

If it goes badly

Three ways this can turn. Read the one that happens; the others can wait.

You've said something like

We've got something important to tell you, and it's hard to say. We've decided we're not going to live together any more.

  • If they ask whether it was something they did

    No. Nothing you did or said made this happen. If you ever wonder about that again, come and ask me, and the answer will always be no.

    The fear is common and mostly unspoken; a flat, repeatable no, with an open invitation to ask again, is the module's answer to it.

  • If they get angry at one of you

    You're allowed to be angry about this. I'm not going to argue with you about it, and I'm not going anywhere.

    Teenagers especially need to be allowed a reaction without being managed; the module says let them be, without agreeing or arguing.

  • If they go quiet and say nothing much

    You might feel sad, or angry, or nothing much, and all of those are fine. You don't have to look after us.

    It gives them permission for whatever they feel, including nothing yet, and takes off them the job of managing you.

Share these words

Send them to yourself, or to someone helping you.

Try not to say

  • "Sometimes grown-ups..." and the rest of the long wind-up

    They can hear it coming, and sitting through it is worse than hearing the news. Say it in the first minute.

  • "Your father has decided he'd rather..."

    Even if one of you ended the marriage, the children shouldn't hear it as a verdict. Being asked to choose, even silently, is what the research identifies as the harm; Cafcass calls it being put in the middle.

  • "Maybe" when they ask if you'll get back together

    A hopeful maybe keeps a child waiting for years. The question deserves a kind, clear no.

  • Waiting until the house is sold, or until someone has moved out

    The family organisations agree: tell them as soon as the decision is made and before anyone moves out. One Family puts it bluntly: don't let a child's first knowledge of it be a parent packing a bag.

  • The reasons

    They don't need them, and they must never be given the blame. Stick to the one sentence you agreed between you.

Afterwards

Stay in the house for the rest of the day, both of you if you can, and tell the school or childcare so the adults around them know. Keep every routine you can. Younger children may go clingy or sleep badly for a while; don't punish it. Expect the same questions days and weeks later, asked as if for the first time, and answer them again each time. Watch how you speak about the other parent on the phone, in the car and to your friends, because the children are listening, and that, more than the separation itself, is what the research says shapes how they come through. Look after yourself too: the Quebec guidance puts it simply, your wellbeing affects your child's. The conversation with the other parent about the arrangements is a different one, and the Conflict Repair add-on and the Difficult Conversations module cover that ground.

Understand it properly

The words above come from these. A section is about ten minutes; the whole module is there when you have longer.

Where this comes from
  • Parent-Child Communication add-on, Telling Children About a Separation: Amato and Keith (1991) and Amato (2001) on the size of the average effect, Kelly and Emery (2003) on resilience and painful memories, Cummings (1991) on resolved and unresolved arguments, Dunn (2001) on children who were told nothing, the family organisations' guidance and the STEADY conversation

We gather and pass on what researchers and support organisations have found. This isn't a replacement for a doctor, counsellor or support service.