Hard times

A colleague is back at work after a death

Someone on your team has lost a parent, a partner or a child, and they're back at their desk. People are being careful and saying nothing, and the silence is its own weight.

What they need from you, and why

Coming back to work after a death means walking into a room where everyone knows and nobody says anything. The Grief & Loss module describes the social side of grief: colleagues afraid to mention the person who died, timeline pressure ("shouldn't you be better by now?"), and the friends who vanish after the funeral. It also describes what grief does to thinking: concentration and memory suffer, decisions are exhausting, and the capacity to talk comes and goes.

What they need from you is acknowledgement rather than avoidance, patience with slips and repetition, concrete help rather than "let me know", and the ordinary business of work carried on around them. Some people need to talk; others need to be busy, and the module warns against reading the busy ones as "in denial".

When Darrin Lehman, John Ellard and Camille Wortman asked bereaved people what had helped, being given room to express what they felt came top, and advice and encouragement to recover hurt most. Terry Martin and Kenneth Doka describe two broad grieving styles, the intuitive, who feel their way through, and the instrumental, who think and do their way through; both are normal, and the person at the next desk may be either. Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut's dual process model adds that grief moves back and forth between facing the loss and taking breaks from it, and work is often one of the breaks.

Understand it properly

First

Say something on the first day, briefly and in private, rather than waiting for the right moment.

You could say

I was so sorry to hear about your [mum]. I'm glad you're back, and there's no pressure to be anything in particular.
It names the loss and takes the pressure off a performance, which is what the first day feels like.
If you want to talk about [their name], I'd like to hear. If you'd rather just work, that's fine too.
It offers both doors, which respects whichever way they grieve.
I'll take the Thursday report this month. Don't argue.
Concrete help with no decision attached is easier to accept than an open offer.
Tell me twice if you need to. I'm not keeping score.
Grief makes memory and concentration unreliable, and knowing nobody minds is a relief.
Do you want people to mention it, or would you rather they didn't? I can pass that on.
It gives them a say over the one thing they can't control: what everyone else does.

If it goes badly

Three ways this can turn. Read the one that happens; the others can wait.

You've said something like

I was so sorry to hear about your [mum]. I'm glad you're back, and there's no pressure to be anything in particular.

If they say "I'm fine" and change the subject
Okay. The offer stands, and I won't bring it up again unless you do.
Some people grieve by doing rather than talking; respect it, and leave the door open instead of pushing.
If they tear up at their desk
Take a minute. I'll cover for you. Nobody's judging.
Grief waves arrive without warning, and cover with no fuss is what gets them through the afternoon.
If they snap at you
That's okay. You don't have to be polite with me right now.
The module says not to take grief's sharp edges personally, and saying so takes the shame out of it.

Send them to yourself, or to someone helping you.

Try not to say

Saying nothing because you don't know what to say
Silence reads as "nobody cares", and bereaved people name topic avoidance as one of the things that makes grief harder.
"At least you had a long time with them."
Comparisons and "at least" shrink the loss.
"Back to normal, then?"
Timeline pressure is one of the social harms the module lists; grief can take years to soften.
Taking their sharpness personally
The module is clear that outbursts and memory gaps aren't about you.

Afterwards

Keep the help going past the first fortnight, because that is when support usually falls away; take something off their plate again in month two without being asked. Note the dates (the funeral, the first anniversary, their person's birthday) and say something small on each. Keep using the name. If your workplace has leave or support arrangements, help them find out without making them ask for it themselves; what's available differs a lot between employers and countries. And watch, over months, for grief that stays as raw as the early days; the module's advice then is a doctor or a grief counsellor, suggested gently.

Understand it properly

The words above come from these. A section is about ten minutes; the whole module is there when you have longer.

Where this comes from

Deeper Dialogues, Grief & Loss Support: what the bereaved said helped (Lehman, Ellard & Wortman, 1986), specific offers, using the name, messages that need no reply

We gather and pass on what researchers and support organisations have found. This isn't a replacement for a doctor, counsellor or support service.

What they need from you, and why

You could say

If it goes badly

Share these words

Try not to say

Afterwards

Understand it properly