Work
Giving someone feedback they won't enjoy
A team member's or colleague's work has been slipping, or something they do keeps causing problems. You've dropped hints, nothing has changed, and you're quietly redoing their work at 11 pm.
What they need from you, and why
Chances are they already know something is off. They may not know what, because a hint like "this could be stronger" tells nobody what to change, and what seems obvious to you may not be obvious to them at all. Some people in this position are losing sleep waiting for someone to say it.
What they need is the specific thing: what you saw, what it caused, what good looks like, and a sense that you're on their side. Said privately, as something you noticed rather than something they are, it lands as information. And they need you to ask before you tell, because the cause is often something you can't see from your desk.
The workplace trust module's FEEDBACK framework uses a behaviour-impact formula, a close cousin of the Situation-Behaviour-Impact model from the Center for Creative Leadership: it names what happened and why it matters without judging the person. A 1996 review of feedback research by Avraham Kluger and Angelo DeNisi found that feedback improved performance on average but made it worse in more than a third of cases, usually when it pulled attention towards the person and away from the task. Elizabeth Newton's 1990 tapping study at Stanford showed the curse of knowledge: tappers predicted listeners would name about half the songs, and they named 3 out of 120. Once you know the tune, it's hard to imagine hearing only the taps.
The Difficult Conversations module tells of a manager who put off this talk for months, expecting tears. Her team member said thank you, because nobody would tell him what was wrong. He'd been struggling with a new system and was too embarrassed to ask. One training session later, his work was back to standard.
First
Book a private, unhurried time, and get clear on the specific behaviour, its impact and what good would look like.
You could say
Can we find 20 minutes this week to talk about how [the project] went? I care about how this goes for you.
A booked, private time and a plain statement of why you're raising it tells them this is help, not an ambush.
How do you think it went?
Asking for their view first often gets you the problem in their own words, and tells you what they already know.
When [the reports come in two days late], the impact is that [everyone else's deadlines slip].
Something you saw plus what it caused is hard to argue with; it lands as information rather than accusation.
Your analysis is excellent, and the presentation structure needs work.
"And", not "but", keeps the strength real while naming the gap, without the sandwich that teaches people to brace for the bad news.
What's getting in the way? Are there obstacles I don't know about?
Most performance problems have a cause you can't see from your desk, and you can't fix the right thing until you know it.
Let's agree what good looks like, and check in on it in two weeks.
A clear standard and a date turn the conversation into a plan instead of a telling-off.
If it goes badly
Three ways this can turn. Read the one that happens; the others can wait.
You've said something like
Can we find 20 minutes this week to talk about how [the project] went? I care about how this goes for you.
If they deny it or say that's not what happened
Help me understand how you saw it. Here's what I noticed on [date].
Asking for their version and then giving a dated example keeps it about facts rather than a contest of memories.
If they point at someone else who does the same thing
That may be true, and I'll look at it. Right now I'd like to stay with your situation.
It takes the deflection seriously without letting it change the subject.
If they get upset
I can see this is hard to hear. Let's take a moment. I'm not here to blame you; I want to sort it out with you.
Pausing and saying what the conversation is for signals the worst is over, which is when people can start thinking again.
Share these words
Send them to yourself, or to someone helping you.
Try not to say
"This could be a bit stronger."
Vague hints let problems carry on, because people can't fix what they can't see.
"You've got a bad attitude."
A label attacks the person; describe the specific behaviour and its effect instead.
Raising it in front of others
Criticism in public threatens someone's standing and makes defensiveness far more likely.
The compliment, criticism, compliment sandwich
They hear only the criticism and learn to distrust your praise.
Saving it all up for the annual review
Feedback works best close to the event; months of saved-up examples feel like a verdict.
Afterwards
Send a short note the same day with what you both agreed: the specific change, what good looks like, the support you offered and the check-in date. Keep the check-in, and when you see the improvement, say so specifically, because that is what tells them the standard is real and reachable. Don't reopen the original examples unless the pattern recurs; the point now is the next two weeks, not the last two months. If nothing changes after a fair run and real support, the next step is a formal process, and those are governed by employment law and your organisation's own policies, which differ a lot between countries, so read the policy and talk to HR before you start one.
Understand it properly
The words above come from these. A section is about ten minutes; the whole module is there when you have longer.
- Module section · 7 minutesPerformance Issues and Constructive CriticismDifficult Workplace Conversations
- Module section · 8 minutesGiving and Receiving Feedback ProfessionallyBuilding Workplace Relationships
- Module section · 10 minutesThe Art of Feedback: Honesty Without the BruisesNavigating Difficult Conversations
- ToolDifficult Conversation Planner
- RehearsePractise this with Chatty
Where this comes from
- Deeper Dialogues, Building Workplace Relationships: the FEEDBACK framework and the behaviour-impact formula
- Deeper Dialogues, Difficult Workplace Conversations: the PREPARE and IMPROVE frameworks, status threats, the curse of knowledge (Newton, 1990), helping people recover afterwards, formal processes and HR
- Deeper Dialogues, Difficult Conversations: SBI (Center for Creative Leadership), Kluger and DeNisi (1996), why the feedback sandwich falls flat, "The Performance Review That Wasn't"
We gather and pass on what researchers and support organisations have found. This isn't a replacement for a doctor, counsellor or support service.