Deeper Dialogues

What do you need to say?

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What to say

Partner

Meeting your partner's parents

Their parents have asked to meet you, the date is set, and "just be yourself" isn't helping. You want to make a good start without putting on a performance.

What they need from you, and why

In some families this lunch is a formality; in others it's a statement of intent, and in some communities it's the moment the families, not just the couple, decide whether this goes ahead. Across the countries this app serves the customs differ enormously, and so does how much weight the parents' opinion carries. Whatever the custom, the people across the table are meeting the person their child chose, and most of them would rather be asked about themselves than be impressed.

What they need from you is interest over impression, respect for how their house runs without pretending to be someone you're not, visible loyalty to their child, and thanks. What you and your partner need is to go in with the map: who answers questions about your plans, that neither of you is left alone for a cross-examination unless you're both fine with it, and a signal for "rescue me".

The Extended Family Dynamics add-on sets out why it matters. Susan Sprecher and Diane Felmlee (1992) followed dating couples over time and were among the first to show that the approval a couple feel from the people around them goes along with how the relationship fares and whether it lasts, the pattern Felmlee later named the social network effect. The idea that parental disapproval makes young love burn brighter comes from a 1972 study by Driscoll, Davis and Lipetz, the Romeo and Juliet effect; when Colleen Sinclair, Kristina Hood and Brittany Wright repeated it in 2014 with 396 people over three to four months, they could not find the effect, and found the opposite: more interference or less approval went with poorer relationship quality on every measure. And in a 2017 study by Karen Huang, Alison Wood Brooks and colleagues at Harvard, people who asked more questions, especially follow-up questions, were liked more by the people they talked to.

Understand it properly

First

Ask your partner for the ground rules before the day, and ask specifically: what to call them, whether to bring something and what, shoes off or on, whether you wait to be served or help, what they already know about you, what not to raise, and your signal if it gets awkward. "What should I know?" gets you "nothing, they're lovely".

You could say

  • How did you two meet?

    Most parents are glad to be asked, and it tells you a lot. Curiosity about them will do more than any opinion you've rehearsed.

  • What was [partner] like at ten?

    It asks about the thing they know best, and lets them be the experts in their own house.

  • You said that was a hard year. What got you through it?

    A follow-up proves you listened. People who ask more questions, and especially more follow-up questions, are liked more by the people they talk to, and parents are not exempt.

  • Thank you, I don't drink, but I'd love a glass of whatever else you have.

    Fit in where it costs you nothing; where it costs you something, decline politely and once.

  • We're enjoying where we are. How did you come to live here?

    A warm non-answer to a question that's none of their business, with a question back, is better than a wounded one.

  • Thank you for having me. The [dish] was wonderful.

    Thank them at the door and again the next day, mentioning one specific thing. The second meeting is made in the hour after the first.

If it goes badly

Three ways this can turn. Read the one that happens; the others can wait.

You've said something like

How did you two meet?

  • If they ask something that's none of their business, like when you're getting married

    We're enjoying where we are. What was it like round here when [partner] was growing up?

    A warm non-answer and a question back moves things on without a wounded tone and without handing over something you and your partner haven't agreed to share.

  • If they say something unkind to your partner

    I've found [partner] is the one who always notices when someone needs help.

    You don't have to fight it, but you can quietly change the ground. Loyalty shown lightly says more than an argument would.

  • If they seem cool or disapproving, and you're back in the car with your partner

    I don't think I made the impression I wanted to. What did you see?

    That one is for your partner, later, not for the parents and not that night. Disapproval is a problem to work on together, not a romantic test to pass.

Share these words

Send them to yourself, or to someone helping you.

Try not to say

  • Rehearsed opinions on topics you don't care about

    You'll be tempted to impress; the research points the other way. The person who asked and listened is remembered more warmly than the one who explained themselves well.

  • Correcting your partner in front of their parents, or joining in when the parents tease them

    Stay on your partner's side. Save the real conversation for the car.

  • A detail about your partner they haven't shared with their parents

    What their parents know is your partner's call, not yours. Ask beforehand what has and hasn't been said.

  • Wading into a family argument

    If one starts that you have no place in, "I'm going to let you two have this one" keeps you out of it without taking a side.

  • Guessing the customs

    What counts as respectful, who you address first, whether you bring something and what, differ enormously. Ask your partner; don't guess.

Afterwards

Thank them the next day, through your partner or directly if that's the custom, and mention one specific thing: the food, a story, the garden. Then talk it over with your partner, including anything that felt off, so it doesn't sit between you. If a parent seemed worried, ask your partner what it was about. If it went badly, ask for another go in a smaller setting, like having one parent over on their own. If the disapproval is about who you are, your background, your religion, your gender or your race, that is a harder conversation and it belongs to your partner first; the module's next section is about telling family something they may not accept. Whatever happened, don't take parental disapproval as a sign that the two of you are meant to be. The research says it wears on a relationship rather than fuelling it.

Understand it properly

The words above come from these. A section is about ten minutes; the whole module is there when you have longer.

Where this comes from
  • Extended Family Dynamics add-on, section 5 Meeting a Partner's Parents: Sprecher and Felmlee 1992 on the social network effect, Sinclair, Hood and Wright 2014 on the Romeo and Juliet effect, the FIRST visit
  • Dating & Early Romance add-on: Aron et al. 1997, Huang et al. 2017 on follow-up questions, Hall 2017 on shared humour, surface vs deeper questions, the CLARITY framework

We gather and pass on what researchers and support organisations have found. This isn't a replacement for a doctor, counsellor or support service.