Deeper Dialogues

What do you need to say?

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What to say

Hard times

Supporting a friend whose loved one has died

Someone close to you has had a person they love die. You're scared of saying the wrong thing, and it's tempting to stay away until you find the right words. You don't need perfect words. You need to turn up.

What they need from you, and why

Grief changes a person's thinking as well as their feelings. The Grief & Loss module describes how it affects concentration and memory, makes small decisions exhausting, and comes in waves that can arrive mid-sentence months later, set off by a song or a smell. The person you're supporting may not be able to tell you what they need, and may want company and find it exhausting at the same time.

What they need from you is presence rather than the right words: their person's name spoken, room to talk about them, specific offers that need no decision, and someone who is still turning up after everyone else has stopped.

In 1986, Darrin Lehman, John Ellard and Camille Wortman asked ninety-four bereaved people what had helped. The kind of help they mentioned most often was contact with someone who had been through it, and simply being given room to express what they felt. What hurt most was advice, and encouragement to recover, which are exactly the things we offer because we want to help. Grief doesn't follow stages either: Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut's dual process model describes a back and forth between facing the loss and taking breaks from it, so notice which they need today and offer that.

Understand it properly

First

Before you get in touch, decide on one specific thing you can offer, so they don't have to think of something.

You could say

  • I don't know what to say, but I want you to know I care.

    Admitting you have no words is honest, and it still delivers the one thing that matters: you turned up.

  • I've been thinking about [their name] and what they meant to you.

    Saying the person's name tells them their loved one is not being forgotten, which bereaved people often fear.

  • Tell me about [their name]. What story about them always makes you smile?

    Room to talk about the person, not only the death, is the kind of support bereaved people say helped most.

  • I'll drop dinner round on Tuesday at 6. You don't need to see me or reply.

    A specific offer with nothing to decide. Grief makes even small decisions exhausting.

  • Thinking of you today. No need to reply.

    A message that asks for nothing can be received on a bad day without adding to the load.

  • Would you like company, or would you rather I just dropped off some groceries?

    Two concrete choices are easier to answer than "let me know if you need anything".

If it goes badly

Three ways this can turn. Read the one that happens; the others can wait.

You've said something like

I don't know what to say, but I want you to know I care.

  • If they say nothing, or change the subject

    We don't have to talk about it. I'm happy to just be here.

    Some people grieve by doing rather than talking; the module warns against reading that as denial or pushing them to open up.

  • If they break down mid-conversation

    Take your time. I'm not going anywhere.

    Grief waves arrive without warning; don't panic or redirect, and let them decide whether to go on.

  • If they snap at you or seem angry

    That's okay. You don't have to be anything in particular with me.

    Grief makes sharp edges and outbursts more likely, and the module says not to take them personally.

Share these words

Send them to yourself, or to someone helping you.

Try not to say

  • "Everything happens for a reason."

    To someone in fresh grief it can sound like a justification for the death.

  • "They're in a better place now."

    Unless you know they believe it, it can sound as if they should be glad their person has gone.

  • "You need to stay strong."

    It can feel like being told not to grieve.

  • "Let me know if you need anything."

    It puts the work back on them when grief makes even small decisions exhausting; make one specific offer instead.

  • Avoiding their person's name

    Bereaved people often say it feels as if their loved one is being forgotten.

  • Disappearing after the funeral

    Bereaved people very often say support fell away after the first few weeks, just as the loss was sinking in.

Afterwards

The hardest time is often after the funeral, when the casseroles stop and the loss sinks in; bereaved people very often say that is when support fell away. Keep a rough rhythm: weekly contact in the first months, then fortnightly, and a message on the firsts (their birthday, the anniversary, the first Christmas or Diwali or holiday without them). Keep saying the name. And if they ever talk about not wanting to live, take it seriously: ask them directly and help them reach a crisis line, or your local emergency number if they're in immediate danger.

Understand it properly

The words above come from these. A section is about ten minutes; the whole module is there when you have longer.

Where this comes from
  • Deeper Dialogues, Grief & Loss Support: what the bereaved said helped (Lehman, Ellard & Wortman, 1986), specific offers, using the name, messages that need no reply
  • Deeper Dialogues, Emotional Intelligence in Conversation: validation first, the HEART method, and staying steady when someone cries

We gather and pass on what researchers and support organisations have found. This isn't a replacement for a doctor, counsellor or support service.