Deeper Dialogues

What do you need to say?

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What to say

Work

Asking for a pay rise

You believe your pay hasn't kept up with what you contribute. You want to make the case without sounding entitled, and without the speech you've been rehearsing in the shower all month.

What they need from you, and why

Your manager is almost certainly not thinking about your pay as often as you are. They have a budget, an approval process and probably a cycle, and when you raise it they usually have to go and argue your case to someone else.

What they need from you is a case they can carry: evidence of what you've delivered, a figure grounded in the market, a sense of what you'll contribute next, and a sign that you'll stay committed whatever the answer is today. That is why the question that works best is a collaborative one. "What would need to change?" gives them a problem to solve with you rather than a demand to refuse.

In a study of Carnegie Mellon master's graduates, reported in Women Don't Ask (2003), Linda Babcock found that those who negotiated their first job offer raised their starting salary by 7.4% on average, and because later rises usually build on that figure, the effect compounds. But later experiments with Hannah Riley Bowles and Lei Lai (2007) found that evaluators were often less keen to work with people who negotiated, and penalised women for it more than men. So how you ask matters as well as whether you ask, which is why the Career Advancement module's VALUE framework treats it as joint problem-solving: validate with market data, articulate your contribution, listen for their constraints, unpack the whole package, and establish what happens next.

The dread is normal. David Rock's SCARF model helps explain why a conversation with your boss can feel like a sabre-toothed tiger has walked in, and the Difficult Conversations module tells of a woman who put off a career-defining talk for over a year until a run of small honest acts, starting with sending back the wrong coffee, got her into her boss's office. Voice shaking, she made the case. She got it.

Understand it properly

First

Before you book the meeting, look up the market rate for your role and write down three specific results you've delivered, with numbers wherever you can.

You could say

  • I'd like to find a time to talk about how you see my role developing, and about my pay.

    Opening with where the role is going, rather than a demand, gives them something to engage with instead of something to defend.

  • In the past year I [led the project that cut processing time by a third]. I'd like to talk about how my pay could reflect that.

    A specific, measured result is evidence; a general claim about working hard is an opinion they can disagree with.

  • Based on the market rate for this role and what I've taken on, I'd like to discuss moving to [amount], with a review in six months.

    Market data and a figure give them something concrete to carry to whoever approves it, and a review date keeps the door open if the answer today is not yet.

  • What would need to change for a pay rise to be possible?

    It invites them to solve the problem with you, and the answer tells you what the real obstacle is.

  • If the budget's frozen, could we look at development budget or flexibility now, and come back to salary next cycle?

    Pay is one part of the package; asking about the rest shows you understand their constraints and still gets you something.

  • When would be a good time to come back to this?

    A date keeps it moving without pushing, and stops the conversation quietly evaporating.

If it goes badly

Three ways this can turn. Read the one that happens; the others can wait.

You've said something like

I'd like to find a time to talk about how you see my role developing, and about my pay.

  • If they say there's no money this year

    I understand the budget's tight. Could we talk about what might be possible next cycle, and whether there's anything non-monetary we could look at now?

    It takes their constraint seriously and keeps both the timeline and the rest of the package on the table.

  • If they raise doubts about your performance instead

    Thanks for telling me that. Can we go through the specific areas, and agree what meeting them would mean for my pay?

    It treats the objection as information you can act on and ties the improvement to the outcome you asked for.

  • If they brush off your market research

    The market data is context. What I most want to talk about is what I specifically bring to this role and this team.

    Your own contribution is much harder to dismiss than a number from a salary survey.

Share these words

Send them to yourself, or to someone helping you.

Try not to say

  • "I need more because my rent's gone up."

    Ground the request in market data and what you contribute, not in your personal finances.

  • "Everyone else here earns more than me."

    Comparing yourself to others pulls the focus away from what you specifically bring.

  • "Give me a rise or I'll leave."

    Using outside offers as threats turns it into a contest instead of a problem you solve together.

  • Raising it only at your annual review

    Career conversations work better as an ongoing dialogue through the year than as a once-a-year ambush.

Afterwards

The same day, send a short email thanking them and summarising what you asked for, what they said and the date you agreed to come back to it, so the request can't quietly disappear. Then keep building the case through the work: take on the responsibilities you said you were ready for, and note results with numbers as they land. Don't re-argue the figure in corridor conversations; wait for the date, then raise it exactly as agreed. If the date passes with nothing, ask again, and if the answer is still no with no path to yes, that is useful information about where you stand.

Understand it properly

The words above come from these. A section is about ten minutes; the whole module is there when you have longer.

Where this comes from
  • Deeper Dialogues, Career Advancement Communication: the ADVOCATE and VALUE frameworks, Babcock's negotiation study, Bowles, Babcock and Lai (2007), handling budget freezes and performance objections
  • Deeper Dialogues, Difficult Conversations: rehearsing conversations in the shower (the avoidance path), SCARF and the boss conversation, "The Flat White Principle"

We gather and pass on what researchers and support organisations have found. This isn't a replacement for a doctor, counsellor or support service.