Deeper Dialogues

What do you need to say?

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What to say

Hard times

You're worried about someone's drinking or drug use

Someone you care about is drinking or using more than is good for them. Past attempts to raise it have ended in anger, denial or silence, and you don't want to push them further away.

What they need from you, and why

The Addiction & Recovery module describes addiction as a health condition rather than a moral failing, one that changes how the brain handles stress, reward and self-control, and that often began as a way of managing pain. Someone who is drinking or using too much usually already knows, and already feels ashamed. Brené Brown's research links shame, far more than guilt, with patterns like addiction: shame drives using, using creates more shame, and the cycle keeps turning.

What they need from you is not a verdict or an ultimatum. They need to be able to be honest with you without being lectured, to hear their own reasons for change out loud, and to know the decision stays theirs. Brown describes empathy as the antidote to shame: when people feel seen and accepted despite their struggles, shame loosens its grip on what they do.

William Miller, who developed motivational interviewing with Stephen Rollnick, found that confrontation tends to increase resistance and that people are more persuaded by their own reasons than by other people's arguments. In a 1999 trial comparing ways of coaching families, about 30% of those coached in a confrontational intervention got their loved one into treatment, against 64% for a gentler approach called CRAFT, which teaches family members communication and behaviour-change skills to use at home. If you're ever worried about an overdose or their immediate safety, call your local emergency number.

Understand it properly

First

Wait for a time when they're sober and not in withdrawal, and when you're calm too.

You could say

  • I love you, and I've been worried. Can I tell you what I've noticed?

    Leading with care and asking permission lowers the defences that a lecture raises.

  • I'm not here to tell you what to do. I'd rather understand what's going on for you.

    Empathy before anything else is the first principle of motivational interviewing.

  • What do you get out of it, and what worries you about it?

    It invites both sides of their own mixed feelings, which is where the case for change comes from.

  • In the end this is your call. I just don't want you doing it on your own.

    Rolling with resistance: affirming their choice takes the fight out of it, while keeping you beside them.

  • If you ever want to know what help is out there, I'll do the ringing around. No pressure to go.

    A concrete offer with the decision left to them supports the step without taking it over.

  • You've got through hard things before.

    Belief that change is possible is part of what makes it possible.

If it goes badly

Three ways this can turn. Read the one that happens; the others can wait.

You've said something like

I love you, and I've been worried. Can I tell you what I've noticed?

  • If they deny there's a problem

    Okay. I'm not going to argue about it. I'm telling you what I see because I care, and I'll still be here.

    Arguing feeds resistance; stating what you see without insisting leaves the door open for later.

  • If they get angry and turn it on you

    Maybe I've got some of it wrong. I still want to understand. Can we talk when we're both calmer?

    Matching the anger turns it into a fight about you; stepping back keeps the relationship, which is what recovery needs.

  • If they promise to cut down

    That's good to hear. What would help you do it?

    Taking the promise seriously and asking about the how supports their own plan rather than policing it.

Share these words

Send them to yourself, or to someone helping you.

Try not to say

  • "Why can't you just stop?"

    Stopping is the very thing they're finding hardest, and the question lands as shame.

  • "You're destroying this family."

    An attack on who they are feeds the shame that keeps people using.

  • "Go to rehab or I'm leaving."

    Ultimatums threaten their sense of choice and tend to increase resistance.

  • Labels like "addict" or "drunk"

    Name the behaviour, not the person; a label makes it about who they are rather than what they're doing.

Afterwards

Don't expect one conversation to change anything, and don't take back what you said. Keep the relationship ordinary and warm; the module's supporter pattern is love with limits, not rescue and not control. Decide your own boundaries, such as money you won't lend or a car you won't get into, and hold them without punishing. If they take a step, turn up for it; if they slip, treat it as a lapse rather than proof it's hopeless. Families benefit from guidance too, and approaches like CRAFT exist for exactly that.

Understand it properly

The words above come from these. A section is about ten minutes; the whole module is there when you have longer.

Where this comes from
  • Deeper Dialogues, Addiction & Recovery Support: motivational interviewing (Miller & Rollnick), shame (Brené Brown), and the CRAFT trial (Miller, Meyers & Tonigan, 1999)

We gather and pass on what researchers and support organisations have found. This isn't a replacement for a doctor, counsellor or support service.