Friends

Starting a conversation with someone new

You're at a class, a club, a new job or a community event, and there's someone you'd like to talk to. Reaching out to people you don't know yet takes a bit of nerve.

What they need from you, and why

The person at the next bench or desk is probably in the same boat as you: new, a bit unsure, and waiting for someone else to go first. Plenty of people would welcome a conversation but hold back because they're not sure it's wanted.

What they need from you is a low-key opening and a bit of patience. Something you can both see, a question about why they're here, and no pressure to reach closeness on day one. Getting to know someone works layer by layer, and each small thing shared, and matched, builds a little trust for the next.

Familiarity tends to breed liking: Robert Zajonc's work on the mere exposure effect, and Moreland and Beach's 1992 classroom study, found people warm to those they see often, so a friendly hello somewhere you'll keep returning is a good start. Irwin Altman and Dalmas Taylor's social penetration theory (1973) pictures closeness growing through layers, like peeling an onion, and Michael Kardas, Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley (2022) found that people expected more personal conversations with strangers to be more awkward than they turned out to be. A moment of honest awkwardness ("I don't know anyone here") usually lands better than you expect.

Understand it properly

First

Turn towards them with relaxed shoulders and a real smile, and open with something you can both see.

You could say

Mind if I join you? I don't know anyone here, to be honest.
A little honest awkwardness is the price of admission, and people see it as courage in others even when they'd call it weakness in themselves.
What got you interested in [this class / the club]?
It asks about something they chose, which usually comes with a story and tells you what they care about.
Any recommendations for good coffee around here?
It works almost anywhere, and it gives them a small thing to be good at.
I couldn't help noticing [what you're reading]. How are you finding it?
Starting from something you can both see feels natural, not like an approach.
Have you lived in the area long? What do you love about it?
The second question is the one that matters: it moves from a fact to something they feel.
I'll be here again on Thursday. Good to meet you.
Friendships grow where people keep seeing each other, so saying you'll be back does more than a perfect first chat.

If it goes badly

Three ways this can turn. Read the one that happens; the others can wait.

You've said something like

Mind if I join you? I don't know anyone here, to be honest.

If they answer politely but ask nothing back
Anyway, good to meet you. I'm [your name], I'm usually here on Tuesdays.
Polite without warmth means a pleasant acquaintance for now; keep it light, don't push for depth, and let it warm up over time if it's going to.
If they look relieved when someone else arrives
I'll let you catch up with them. See you around.
Wrapping up gracefully costs you nothing, and someone who isn't up for it today may be another day.
If they mention they're having a rough week
Sounds like a long week. I won't keep you, but it was good to meet you.
Some people want to connect but have nothing left; a calm, undemanding presence is enough, and this isn't the day to push for plans.

Send them to yourself, or to someone helping you.

Try not to say

Waiting for them to speak first
They may be waiting too, and the liking-gap research suggests you'll come across better than you fear.
"What's your biggest regret in life?"
Skipping straight to deep questions puts people on the spot; depth comes gradually, over several conversations.
Telling them your whole life story
Sharing a lot too quickly can read as desperation; share a little and let them match it.
Pushing on when the answers get shorter
Short answers, no questions back and glances around the room mean it's time to wrap up warmly, and not to take it personally.

Afterwards

Go back. A friendly hello repeated across a few weeks does more than any single conversation, because familiarity tends to breed liking. Next time, use their name and pick up something they told you; remembering what matters to someone shows it registered. Deepen gradually, from what they do to what they enjoy about it to something they've found hard, and let them match you rather than racing ahead. If you suggest a coffee and get a vague reply, follow up once and then leave the door open.

Understand it properly

The words above come from these. A section is about ten minutes; the whole module is there when you have longer.

Where this comes from

Deeper Dialogues, New Friends & First Connections: natural conversation starters, the engagement scale and special situations, mere exposure (Zajonc; Moreland and Beach), social penetration theory (Altman and Taylor), Kardas and colleagues (2022), the liking gap, remembering what matters to them
Deeper Dialogues, Question Architecture: "Skipping Layers" and reading the room

We gather and pass on what researchers and support organisations have found. This isn't a replacement for a doctor, counsellor or support service.

What they need from you, and why

You could say

If it goes badly

Share these words

Try not to say

Afterwards

Understand it properly