Deeper Dialogues

What do you need to say?

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What to say

Money

Telling someone you're in financial trouble

Debt, a lost job or a business going under, and you've been keeping it to yourself. Telling your partner, family or a close friend feels impossible, and the worry may be weighing on more than your bank balance.

What they need from you, and why

The person you're about to tell has probably already sensed something. In the Financial Crisis module's story, when Tom finally told his wife about the failing business, her first words weren't anger but relief: she'd known something was wrong and hadn't known how to ask. Trying to protect her from worry had only given her more of it. You're being asked to open up at exactly the moment you feel most fragile, and if money was never discussed in the house you grew up in, hiding it can feel like good manners rather than secrecy.

What they need is the essential facts, enough context to understand how it happened, room to react, and to be told what you've already done and what kind of help you want, and don't want. Most people would rather know and be able to help than sense something is wrong and be shut out, and a specific request is far easier to say yes to than a general call for help.

In a three-year study of more than 400 married couples during the 1980s US farm crisis, Rand Conger, Martha Rueter and Glen Elder (1999) found that money pressure wore people down and spilled into conflict, and that partners who backed each other up softened the strain, which nobody can do while the statements are hidden. Behavioural economists call avoiding bad news the "ostrich effect" (Niklas Karlsson, George Loewenstein and Duane Seppi, 2009), and it's how a manageable problem becomes a crisis, so the earlier conversation is usually the easier one. Debt and poor mental health often go together: Thomas Richardson, Peter Elliott and Ronald Roberts (2013) reviewed 65 studies and found people in debt were around three times as likely to have a mental health problem. If the worry has you thinking about not wanting to be here, tell someone today and call a crisis line: Lifeline (13 11 14) in Australia, or the equivalent where you live, listed on the Resources page; if you're in immediate danger, call your local emergency number.

Understand it properly

First

Choose a private, unhurried moment when you can both give it your full attention, and let them know it's something big.

You could say

  • Something big has happened that I need to tell you about. Can we sit down after dinner, when we can both focus?

    It prepares them for serious news and gives you both full attention, instead of dropping it in a doorway.

  • I've got into some debt. Partly bad decisions, partly costs I didn't see coming. It's about [amount].

    The essential facts, stated plainly, without over-explaining or playing it down.

  • I've already [cut everything non-essential / booked a free financial counsellor], and I want us to work out the next steps together.

    It shows you're taking responsibility, and treats it as a problem to solve together rather than something dumped in their lap.

  • I'm not asking for money. I just wanted you to know what's going on, so you don't wonder why I'm turning things down.

    Saying what kind of support you want, and what you don't, means they're not left guessing.

  • What would help most is [a lift to interviews / someone to talk it through with once a week].

    A specific request that isn't money is easier to say yes to than a general appeal.

  • I'll keep you posted as things change.

    Regular updates stop them worrying in the dark and let their support change as your situation does.

If it goes badly

Three ways this can turn. Read the one that happens; the others can wait.

You've said something like

Something big has happened that I need to tell you about. Can we sit down after dinner, when we can both focus?

  • If they get angry

    You've every right to be angry. I should have told you months ago. Ask me anything you need to.

    Letting them react and ask questions without defending yourself or rushing to reassure them is what makes their support possible later.

  • If they go quiet

    Take whatever time you need. I don't need an answer tonight. Can we talk again tomorrow?

    An emotional reaction is to be expected, and room to take it in is part of telling them well.

  • If they ask why you didn't tell them sooner

    Because I was ashamed, and I thought I could fix it before you had to know. I was wrong about that.

    Honest context without a long run of excuses answers the question and lets you both move to what happens next.

Share these words

Send them to yourself, or to someone helping you.

Try not to say

  • Hiding it until it's discovered

    The secrecy often does more damage than the debt, and it cuts you off from people who could help.

  • "I don't know what we're going to do."

    Unloading everything with no context or plan overwhelms the people you need most.

  • "I'm such a failure."

    You are not your bank balance; stick to the facts and the next steps.

  • Waiting for the perfect moment

    There isn't one, and problems rarely improve in secret; sooner is nearly always better.

Afterwards

In the next day or two, write down the whole picture, every debt, amount and due date, and if it's your partner, go through the numbers together, because a problem on paper is one you can both work on. Book free financial counselling (the National Debt Helpline, 1800 007 007, in Australia; most of the countries this app serves have free debt advice) and tell them when the appointment is. Set a short, regular check-in rather than making every conversation about money, and don't go back over whose fault it was; stick to next steps. If the worry is stopping you sleeping, or you're thinking about not wanting to be here, reach out today rather than once the money is sorted: Lifeline (13 11 14) in Australia, or the equivalent where you live on the Resources page.

Understand it properly

The words above come from these. A section is about ten minutes; the whole module is there when you have longer.

Where this comes from
  • Deeper Dialogues, Financial Crisis & Emergency Communication: the DISCLOSE and SUPPORT frameworks, disclosure scripts, managing shame, timing, Conger, Rueter and Elder (1999), the ostrich effect (Karlsson, Loewenstein and Seppi, 2009), money scripts (Klontz), Richardson, Elliott and Roberts (2013), crisis lines and free financial counselling

We gather and pass on what researchers and support organisations have found. This isn't a replacement for a doctor, counsellor or support service.