Friends
A friend wants you to take sides
Two of your friends have fallen out and each wants to know you're with them. Or your friend's relationship has ended and they want you to agree the ex was always awful. You care about everyone involved, and whatever you say feels like a betrayal of someone.
What they need from you, and why
What's happening is older than this falling-out. Murray Bowen's family systems theory describes triangles: when two people are in conflict, they often pull in a third to take sides or to mediate, because that feels easier than facing each other. The Extended Family add-on lists the patterns, and they're the same among friends as among relatives: siblings wanting you to choose sides, one person asking you to have a word with another, people gossiping to avoid a direct conversation. The friend asking you to take sides isn't being manipulative, usually. They're hurt, they're frightened of being wrong, and your agreement would be the quickest relief available.
What they need is to feel heard without you signing up to their verdict. The add-on calls it validating without agreeing: "I can see this is really important to you" and "I understand you have concerns" are both true and neither one takes a side. In a breakup the same rule holds, and the Conversation Repair module shows what happens when it's broken: a friend answered a 2am call about a cancelled engagement with her own opinion of the relationship, the line went dead, and the repair took a proper apology and, finally, doing what she should have done at 2am, which was listen. The Close Friends add-on adds why staying out of the middle protects everyone: friendship conflicts have no formal structure, mutual friends are pressured to take sides, and one falling-out can disrupt a whole social circle.
The add-on's own lines for stepping out of a triangle are the ones to borrow: "I care about both of you, so I can't take sides", "Have you talked to them about this?", "I'm not comfortable being in the middle of this." Its NAVIGATE approach to family drama applies just as well here: don't take the bait, refuse to relay messages, decline the gossip, change the subject when it turns toxic, and leave if it gets too intense. Drama, it points out, is optional. You can choose not to take part while staying warmly in both friendships.
First
Decide now that you'll be a friend to each of them rather than a judge of either, and say so early, before you get drawn in.
You could say
I care about both of you, so I'm not going to take sides. I will listen, though.
Said plainly and early, it's a position they can't argue with, and it tells them what you can offer instead.
That sounds like something you need to say to her, not to me.
Pointing people back to each other is how you stay out of what Murray Bowen called a triangle: two people in conflict pulling in a third.
I'm not going to carry messages between you two. I'll always be straight with you both, though.
Once you're the go-between, you own every misquote; refusing the job early keeps you a friend to both.
I can see how hurt you are. I'm not going to trash him, because that's not what you need from me, and because you might not always feel this way.
In the breakup version, listening to the hurt does more good than a verdict on the ex, and a verdict is hard to take back.
What do you need from me right now, apart from agreeing with you?
It gently names what they're asking for and offers something you can actually give.
If it goes badly
Three ways this can turn. Read the one that happens; the others can wait.
You've said something like
I care about both of you, so I'm not going to take sides. I will listen, though.
If they say "so you're on her side then"
No. I'm on yours and I'm on hers. That's the only way I know how to be friends with both of you.
Refusing to take sides will be heard as taking the other side at first. Say it again, calmly, without defending yourself, and it starts to land.
If they give you an ultimatum ("it's me or them")
I'm not going to choose, and I hope you won't ask me to. I'm still here for you either way.
An ultimatum is pressure, not a question. You can decline it warmly and let them have their reaction without changing your answer.
If they bring it up every time you talk
I know this is still raw. Can we talk about something else for a bit? I'll always listen when it's about how you're going, not about who's to blame.
You can set a limit on the topic without setting one on the friendship.
Share these words
Send them to yourself, or to someone helping you.
Try not to say
"Honestly, I never thought he was right for you."
From the Conversation Repair module's 2am phone call: it took the worst moment of a friend's year and made it about the speaker's opinion.
Agreeing with each of them in private
Two private agreements become one public betrayal the moment they compare notes.
"Well, she did say you can be a bit much."
Passing on what the other person said feels like honesty and works like petrol; it's the messenger role the Extended Family add-on warns about.
"Leave me out of it."
Neutral is fine; absent isn't. Refusing to pick a side shouldn't mean refusing to listen.
Trying to fix it by getting them in a room
Unless both have asked you to, mediating puts you in the middle of their conflict instead of at the side of each of them.
Afterwards
Keep seeing both of them, separately, and tell each that you are; secrecy would look like side-taking. Don't report back on either, even when asked, and expect to be asked. If it's a breakup, check in on your friend in the weeks after, when the first wave of support has thinned and the hurt is still there. If one of them keeps pushing, hold the limit on the topic, not on them. And if they reconcile, as people often do, you'll be the friend who said nothing they now have to pretend they didn't hear.
Understand it properly
The words above come from these. A section is about ten minutes; the whole module is there when you have longer.
- Module section · 8 minutesUnderstanding Extended Family Dynamics and PoliticsExtended Family Dynamics
- Module section · 10 minutesNavigating Friendship Conflicts: Preserving Connection Through DisagreementClose Friends & Intimate Bonds
- Module section · 5 minutesThe Art of Acknowledgement: Taking Responsibility Without DrowningFixing What You Broke (Before It's Too Late)
- ToolFriendship Planner
Where this comes from
- Deeper Dialogues, Extended Family Dynamics: Bowen's triangles and the lines for avoiding triangle traps, the Messenger role, validating without agreeing, NAVIGATE ("Avoid Getting Pulled Into Drama")
- Deeper Dialogues, Close Friends & Intimate Bonds: why friendship conflicts are particularly challenging (no formal structure, mutual friends pressured to take sides, disruption of social circles)
- Deeper Dialogues, Conversation Repair: the 2am phone call
We gather and pass on what researchers and support organisations have found. This isn't a replacement for a doctor, counsellor or support service.