Deeper Dialogues

What do you need to say?

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What to say

Hard times

Someone you love has relapsed

They were doing well, and now they've used again. You're angry, frightened and tired, and you don't know whether to be tough or kind. How you respond in the next hour helps decide whether this is a slip or a slide.

What they need from you, and why

A relapse lands on the people around it as betrayal, because they remember the promises. For the person themselves it is mostly shame, and shame is the engine of using: the Addiction & Recovery module describes a cycle in which shame drives using, using creates more shame, and the cycle keeps turning. They are probably already telling themselves it's hopeless.

What they need is a way back to the supports that were working, quickly, and without either of the two responses families reach for: abandonment ("I'm done") or rescue ("I'll fix everything"). Neither gets them back to recovery. The module's own line is that getting back to recovery supports quickly is what tends to help most.

Recovery is rarely a straight line. The module reports John Kelly's national recovery study: about 9% of US adults said they had once had a significant alcohol or drug problem and no longer did, nearly half of them without formal treatment, and many people make more than one serious attempt before it holds. Alan Marlatt's work on relapse showed how treating a single slip as total failure can turn a lapse into a full relapse, so the words you choose now help decide which this becomes.

Understand it properly

First

If you hear anything like "there's no point any more", take it seriously before anything else: ask them directly whether they're thinking about suicide, stay with them, and call your local emergency number if they're in danger.

You could say

  • I'm glad you told me. That took guts.

    Honesty after a slip is the thing to protect; shame turns the next one into a secret.

  • A slip isn't the end of your recovery. What would help you get back on track this week?

    Treating it as a lapse rather than a collapse is what stops it becoming one, and the question points at the next step.

  • I'm angry and I'm scared, and I'm still here.

    Honest feeling without a verdict: the module's supporter pattern is love with limits, not pretending.

  • What do you think set it off?

    Curiosity about the trigger does more than a lecture, and it's their answer that matters.

  • Who from your recovery can you ring today? I'll sit with you while you do.

    Getting back to recovery supports quickly is what tends to help most, and company makes the call easier.

  • I won't cover for you at work, and I will drive you to the meeting.

    A boundary that protects, said with love, is clearer and easier to hold than one set in anger.

If it goes badly

Three ways this can turn. Read the one that happens; the others can wait.

You've said something like

I'm glad you told me. That took guts.

  • If they say "there's no point any more"

    Do you mean you're thinking about ending your life? I'm asking because I care, and I'm not leaving.

    The module says to take that sentence seriously as a possible sign of suicidal thinking: ask directly, stay, and call your local emergency number if they're in danger.

  • If they lie about it, or play it down

    I'd rather hear the real version than a tidy one. I'm not going to punish you for being honest.

    Honesty is what makes recovery possible, and it only survives if it isn't punished.

  • If they get angry and tell you to back off

    Okay. I'm not going to argue tonight. I love you, and the lift to the meeting is there whenever you want it.

    Confrontation increases resistance; the open door is what they'll come back to.

Share these words

Send them to yourself, or to someone helping you.

Try not to say

  • "I knew you'd do this."

    It confirms the hopelessness they already feel, and hopelessness is what keeps people using.

  • "Don't worry, I'll sort it all out."

    Rescue takes the recovery out of their hands and keeps the cycle going.

  • "I'm done. You've broken my trust for the last time."

    Abandonment in the first hour closes the way back; set your limits later, when you're calm.

  • Pretending it didn't happen

    Secrets help addiction thrive, and the module says so plainly.

Afterwards

In the days after, help them reconnect with whatever was holding the recovery together, a sponsor, a counsellor, a group or a doctor, and then step back from managing it. Decide your own boundaries while you're calm (what you'll pay for, what you won't cover for) and say them once, with love. Expect mood swings and a wobble in trust on both sides; that is early recovery, not failure. Look after your own hurt too: the module is clear that families recover as well, and that guidance for you, from a family support group or a counsellor, is part of the picture. If you're ever worried about an overdose, call your local emergency number.

Understand it properly

The words above come from these. A section is about ten minutes; the whole module is there when you have longer.

Where this comes from
  • Deeper Dialogues, Addiction & Recovery Support: motivational interviewing (Miller & Rollnick), shame (Brené Brown), and the CRAFT trial (Miller, Meyers & Tonigan, 1999)

We gather and pass on what researchers and support organisations have found. This isn't a replacement for a doctor, counsellor or support service.