Deeper Dialogues

What do you need to say?

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What to say

Hard times

Someone tells you they're being hurt at home

A friend, relative or colleague tells you that a partner, parent or other family member is hurting, threatening or controlling them. Anyone can experience this, and anyone can cause it. They are trusting you with something dangerous, and how you respond matters. They don't need you to fix it; they need to be believed.

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What they need from you, and why

Someone being hurt at home has usually been told, over and over, that it's their fault, that nobody would believe them, or that nothing can be done. Telling you is a risk. What they need first is not a plan or a rescue. It is to be believed, and to keep the say over what happens next that the abuse has been taking from them.

Specialist services agree on the basics: 1800RESPECT in Australia, Women's Aid in the UK and the National Domestic Violence Hotline in the US all advise believing the person, never blaming them, listening without judgement and supporting them to make their own choices when they're ready. They warn against confronting the person using violence, and suggest agreeing on safe times and ways to stay in touch, because phones and messages can be monitored.

Their safety comes first. If anyone is in immediate danger, call your local emergency number (000 in Australia, 111 in New Zealand, 999 in the UK, 112 or 999 in Ireland, 911 in Canada and the US, 112 in India). For specialist advice, 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) in Australia and the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233, or 1-800-799-SAFE) in the US take calls from friends and family as well as the person being hurt, and most countries have an equivalent. The services remind supporters to look after themselves too.

Understand it properly

First

Make sure you're somewhere private, where the person hurting them can't see or hear, and give them time.

You could say

  • Thank you for telling me. I believe you.

    Being believed is the first thing the specialist services ask of you, and doubt is what keeps people silent.

  • This is not your fault. You don't deserve this, no matter what.

    People being hurt are often told it's their doing; the services are clear that it never is.

  • Take your time. Tell me as much or as little as you want to.

    They choose how much to say; pressing for detail turns support into an interrogation.

  • How can I help? You're the one who decides what happens next.

    Supporting their own choices, rather than making them, gives back the control that abuse takes away.

  • What's the safest way and time for me to get in touch with you?

    Phones and messages can be monitored, so contact has to be on their terms.

  • Whatever you decide, I'm here. There are services that can help, whenever you want them.

    Leaving may not be safe or possible yet; the offer has to stay open without conditions.

If it goes badly

Three ways this can turn. Read the one that happens; the others can wait.

You've said something like

Thank you for telling me. I believe you.

  • If they take it back, or say it's not that bad

    Okay. I'm glad you told me, and it stays between us. I'm here whenever you want to talk.

    Playing it down is common and may be fear talking; pushing can close the door, and the services advise being there for when they're ready.

  • If they defend the person hurting them

    I know you care about them. I'm not asking you to do anything. I just want you to be safe.

    Criticising the person can make them defend the relationship and stop confiding; the services say never to blame and never to push.

  • If they ask you not to tell anyone

    I won't go behind your back. If I ever thought you were in immediate danger, I'd tell you first, and I'd want to call for help.

    Trust is what makes support possible, and the one exception the services make is immediate danger.

Share these words

Send them to yourself, or to someone helping you.

Try not to say

  • "Why don't you just leave?"

    Leaving may not be safe, or they may not be ready, and being pushed can make someone who already feels trapped feel even less in control.

  • "Are you sure? They seem so nice."

    The services ask you first to believe them and take their fears seriously. Doubt does the opposite.

  • "What happened to set them off?"

    It hints that they caused it. The services are clear: never blame them, because the abuse is not their fault.

  • Confronting the person using violence

    If they learn that someone knows, they may cut the person off from you or punish them with more abuse.

  • Making decisions or taking action for them without asking

    They know their situation best and are the only one who can decide what's right for them; the exception is immediate danger, when you call your local emergency number.

Afterwards

Keep in touch in the way you agreed, and keep the contact ordinary so it doesn't draw attention. Don't confront the person using violence, and don't tell other people without asking; either can bring more abuse. Have the specialist service's number ready for when they want it, and remember those services take calls from friends and family too. Supporting someone through this is heavy, and the services remind you to look after yourself.

Understand it properly

The words above come from these. A section is about ten minutes; the whole module is there when you have longer.

Where this comes from

We gather and pass on what researchers and support organisations have found. This isn't a replacement for a doctor, counsellor or support service.