Deeper Dialogues

What do you need to say?

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What to say

Family

An older relative who doesn't understand your life

Your grandfather thinks you should own a house by now and that your job isn't a real job. Your nan can't see why you're not married yet, or why you're on your phone. Every visit turns into a lecture or a stand-off, and you'd rather have them in your life than win the argument.

What they need from you, and why

An older relative who lectures is usually translating badly, not judging you. The Intergenerational module describes a grandfather giving career advice "based on how things worked in 1975": he isn't trying to insult anyone; he's trying to help with a world he didn't grow up in. What feels like disrespect is often a different habit, and what seems like poor manners may be a norm they grew up with. The same is true in reverse: much of what you find baffling about them is life stage and shared history, not a character flaw.

What they need from you is to be asked, and to be useful. The module's BRIDGE framework starts with curiosity about their experience, asks how they prefer to communicate rather than assuming, looks for the shared value under the different expression, and treats technology as something to explore together. Its WISDOM framework is for the advice itself: ask for the principle rather than the tactic, since the principle often holds when the method has dated, and tell your side as a story, because stories are less threatening than instruction.

The research is a relief: the differences between generations are smaller than the popular guides suggest. The module cites a 2012 meta-analysis led by David Costanza, which found that differences between generations in work attitudes were small or close to zero, and the 2020 conclusion of the US National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine that people from the same generation are as likely to differ from each other as from people born in other generations. Much of what we call a generation gap is life stage, circumstance or personality. Treat the labels as rough shorthand for shared history, remember that the defining events of a childhood in India, Ireland or New Zealand differ from the mostly American markers in the guides, and ask rather than assume. The person in front of you may not match anything written about their generation.

Understand it properly

First

Pick one thing about their life you've never asked about, and ask it before they get to theirs.

You could say

  • What was it like for you at my age?

    The Intergenerational module's starting point is curiosity about their generational experience. It also changes who is doing the lecturing.

  • You're right that it's different now. Rent takes most of what I earn. Can I show you what that looks like?

    The module's intro has a grandfather who worked two jobs and bought a house by 25. He isn't being insulting; he doesn't understand challenges he never faced. Numbers help more than arguing.

  • We want the same thing. You want me to be secure, and so do I. It just looks different now.

    BRIDGE's "identify common values beneath different expressions": most families share security, hard work and wanting the young ones to be okay, just shown differently.

  • Would you tell me how you and Nan met?

    The module suggests each generation might enjoy being asked about different things. For the oldest relatives, how they met their partner and how they got their first job are on its list.

  • I'd love your take. I'd rather hear how you'd think it through than what I should do.

    WISDOM's principle over tactic: "play golf with your boss" has dated, "build real relationships at work" hasn't. Ask for the principle.

  • Can I set up video calls on your phone, so you can see the kids? No rush, we'll go at your pace.

    The module's lines for teaching technology: start with what they'd like to be able to do, go at their pace, repeat it without fuss.

If it goes badly

Three ways this can turn. Read the one that happens; the others can wait.

You've said something like

What was it like for you at my age?

  • If they keep lecturing anyway

    I know you're saying this because you worry about me. I'm okay. Tell me about the shop you ran.

    Names the care under the lecture (the module's translation of "kids today don't work hard" is "they worry about how young people will manage now") and moves on without a fight.

  • If they say your generation is lazy or entitled

    I'd rather you knew what my week actually looks like than guessed. Want me to tell you?

    The module's own swap for "all young people are entitled" is a question about what it's like for you. Make it an offer rather than a defence.

  • If they go quiet or seem hurt

    I don't want to argue with you. I like talking to you. Can we start again?

    The relationship matters more than the point. Tell them it's what you came for.

Share these words

Send them to yourself, or to someone helping you.

Try not to say

  • "You don't understand anything about my generation."

    The teenager's line in the module's opening scene. True or not, it closes the conversation, and it's the same move you're annoyed at them for.

  • "Things were easier for you."

    Even where it's true (the module itself notes that in many countries house prices have risen far faster than wages), it lands as "you didn't earn it", and they'll defend their whole life rather than hear your point.

  • The slow, loud, simple voice

    Studies of "elderspeak" found older people often experience it as patronising. Speak clearly if hearing is an issue, but don't simplify by default.

  • Explaining your job as if to a child, or not at all

    "They wouldn't get it" is a guess. Say what you do and what you like about it, and let them ask.

  • Correcting every outdated word or view

    Some of it is habit from a different era, not malice; the module notes that what seems like poor manners may be a norm someone grew up with. Pick the things that matter and let the rest go.

Afterwards

Keep the questions going. Follow up on the story they told you with another one next visit; the module's section on family stories is about catching them before they're lost. If you taught them something on their phone, write the steps down and expect to do it again. When they get in touch the way you asked them to, answer. And notice when the argument you used to have stops happening: that's usually because both of you learned something, not because anyone won.

Understand it properly

The words above come from these. A section is about ten minutes; the whole module is there when you have longer.

Where this comes from
  • Intergenerational Communication add-on: studies of "elderspeak", asking how people like to communicate

We gather and pass on what researchers and support organisations have found. This isn't a replacement for a doctor, counsellor or support service.