Deeper Dialogues

What do you need to say?

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What to say

Hard times

Asking someone how they're really going

Someone you care about hasn't seemed themselves: shorter replies, cancelled plans, going quiet. You want to check in without making them feel judged or put on the spot.

What they need from you, and why

Someone who has gone quiet is usually not hiding nothing. They're weighing up whether saying it will cost them. The Mental Health & Crisis Support module describes how struggles often show up first as changes in how someone communicates, well before anything is said out loud: shorter replies, cancelled plans, a flatness that wasn't there before.

They need to know you've noticed, that you're not judging, and that they can say as much or as little as they like. A vague "are you okay?" almost always gets "fine". Naming the specific change you've seen gives them a real opening, and shows you've been paying attention rather than going through the motions.

Bruce Link's work on stigma describes why people avoid help: the fear of being labelled, stereotyped and treated differently. So the question has to be calm and free of any verdict, and practical help with the first step towards a professional matters more than advice. If anything they say makes you think they might be thinking about suicide, ask them directly; the next situation on the list covers how.

Understand it properly

First

Pick a private, unhurried moment, and put your phone right away.

You could say

  • I've noticed you've been quieter than usual, and you've cancelled a few things. How are you going, really?

    Naming what you've seen shows you've been paying attention, and makes "fine" a harder answer to give.

  • You seem like you're carrying something heavy at the moment.

    It describes without diagnosing, so there's no label for them to defend against.

  • You don't have to talk about it now. I'll keep asking, though.

    It takes the pressure off this moment without letting the door close.

  • Who else knows how you're feeling?

    It gently checks whether they're carrying this alone, which is often the hardest part.

  • Would it help if I booked you in with a doctor, or came along to the first appointment?

    The practical barriers to getting help are real, and clearing one does more than urging them to go.

If it goes badly

Three ways this can turn. Read the one that happens; the others can wait.

You've said something like

I've noticed you've been quieter than usual, and you've cancelled a few things. How are you going, really?

  • If they say "I'm fine" and shut it down

    Okay. I'm not going to push. I just wanted you to know I noticed, and that I'm around.

    Pushing past a "fine" turns concern into pressure; leaving the door open is what brings people back later.

  • If they get defensive or annoyed

    Fair enough. I'm not saying anything's wrong with you. I'd rather ask than guess.

    Fear of being labelled is why many people avoid help, so make it clear there's no verdict in the question.

  • If they say something that frightens you

    Thank you for telling me. Can I ask you something straight out: are you thinking about suicide?

    Asking plainly doesn't plant the idea; it opens the way to help, and waiting to be told isn't a plan.

Share these words

Send them to yourself, or to someone helping you.

Try not to say

  • "What's wrong with you?"

    It sounds like a verdict, and fear of what a label will cost them is one of the main reasons people avoid help.

  • "Just think positive!"

    Cheering them up skips the part they need, which is to have the pain acknowledged.

  • "You should try exercise, or meditation."

    Advice before they've been heard tells them you'd rather fix them than listen.

  • Asking only "Are you okay?" and accepting "fine"

    A vague question almost always gets "fine"; naming what you've noticed gives them a real opening.

Afterwards

Follow up within the week, and make it specific: "How did Thursday go?" lands better than "How are you?". If they said they'd see someone, ask whether it happened and offer to help with the next step, rather than checking whether they did their homework. If they didn't want to talk, keep the ordinary contact going, the invitations and the messages, so that you're still there when they're ready. Look after yourself too; supporting someone is work, and you're allowed limits.

Understand it properly

The words above come from these. A section is about ten minutes; the whole module is there when you have longer.

Where this comes from
  • Deeper Dialogues, Mental Health & Crisis Support: warning signs, asking directly about suicide (Dazzi et al., 2014), stigma (Bruce Link), and encouraging professional help
  • Deeper Dialogues, Emotional Intelligence in Conversation: validation first, the HEART method, and staying steady when someone cries

We gather and pass on what researchers and support organisations have found. This isn't a replacement for a doctor, counsellor or support service.