Work

Someone criticises your work and it stings

A manager, colleague or client has just told you something about your work you didn't want to hear. Your face is hot, and you've already got three rebuttals lined up.

What they need from you, and why

Being criticised at work hurts more than it should, and your body treats it as a threat before you've had a chance to think: hot face, racing heart, three rebuttals ready. In that state you can't take in what's being said, and anything you say is likely to be a defence of your intention rather than a response to what they saw.

The person giving the feedback mostly wants to know it landed. If you ask for a specific example, say back what you heard and ask what better would look like, they get that, and you get something you can use instead of a verdict. If the delivery was blunt, that may say more about where they learned to give feedback than about you.

Naomi Eisenberger, Matthew Lieberman and Kipling Williams's 2003 brain-imaging study found that being left out of a trivial online ball game raised activity in a brain region also involved in the distress of physical pain, though later work suggests the overlap is only partial. John Gottman calls the state where your heart races and you stop taking things in "flooding", and recommends a break of at least twenty minutes, roughly how long the body's stress response takes to settle. The Difficult Conversations module's HEAR sequence (halt your defence, engage with curiosity, acknowledge what you heard, respond with thanks and action) is built for exactly this moment. And Erin Meyer's work on feedback across cultures is a reminder that in direct-feedback cultures, "this is wrong" is aimed at the work and says nothing about you.

Understand it properly

First

Pause and breathe before you answer; if you're too wound up to listen, ask for time and come back to it.

You could say

Thanks for being direct. Can you give me a specific example?
It halts the defence, and a specific example turns a verdict into something you can actually work with.
Help me understand how it came across differently from what I intended.
It takes their account of the impact seriously instead of arguing about your intention.
So what I'm hearing is [the client felt rushed]. Is that right?
Saying it back shows you're listening rather than waiting for your turn, and lets them correct you.
What would better look like to you?
It moves you both from what went wrong to what to do next, which is where the useful part is.
I want to take this in properly. Can I think it over and come back to you this afternoon?
If you're flooded you can't take it in, and asking for time beats a reply you'll spend months fixing.
Thank you for telling me. I'll work on that.
It's a hard sentence to say while you're stinging, and saying it anyway changes the tone of the whole exchange.

If it goes badly

Three ways this can turn. Read the one that happens; the others can wait.

You've said something like

Thanks for being direct. Can you give me a specific example?

If they won't give you a specific example, just "it's your attitude"
I want to fix it, and I'll need something concrete to work on. Can you think of a recent moment where it showed?
It keeps you open while gently steering the feedback back towards the task, which is where it can help.
If they say it in front of other people
I'd like to hear this properly. Can we pick it up one to one after the meeting?
Taking the audience out of it lets you listen instead of defending your standing.
If they push you for an answer on the spot
I'd rather give you a proper answer than a quick one. Can I come back to you in half an hour?
Naming that you need time, and taking a real break, is what lets you come back able to think.

Send them to yourself, or to someone helping you.

Try not to say

"That's not what I meant to do."
Defending your intention skips over the impact they're describing.
"You don't understand the situation."
It shuts the conversation down; ask what context would help them see your side instead.
Explaining, justifying, then sending follow-up emails with your evidence
Every justification tells them you didn't hear it, and it costs you the chance to find out what they actually want.
Firing off a reply while you're still furious
A reply sent while you're flooded can take far longer to fix than it took to write.

Afterwards

Give it the twenty minutes, or the evening, before you decide what you think. Then write down, for yourself, the specific thing they described and one change you'll make, and tell them: a short message saying you've thought about it and here's what you'll do differently lands well and costs nothing. Ask them to notice the next time the situation comes up, so you get a second data point. Don't send the long email with your side of the story; if context really matters, offer it in person, once, after you've shown you heard them. If you still think the criticism was wrong, say so calmly, with examples, at that point and not before.

Understand it properly

The words above come from these. A section is about ten minutes; the whole module is there when you have longer.

Where this comes from

Deeper Dialogues, Building Workplace Relationships: accepting feedback gracefully, defensive and open responses
Deeper Dialogues, Difficult Workplace Conversations: why criticism can feel like pain (Eisenberger, Lieberman and Williams, 2003), status threats
Deeper Dialogues, Emotional Intelligence: flooding and Gottman's twenty-minute break, "The Email That Took Three Months to Fix"
Deeper Dialogues, Difficult Conversations: the HEAR sequence, "The Same Feedback, Two Different Responses", "The Eight-Minute Conversation"
Deeper Dialogues, Cross-Cultural Conversations: the direct feedback shock (Erin Meyer)

We gather and pass on what researchers and support organisations have found. This isn't a replacement for a doctor, counsellor or support service.

What they need from you, and why

You could say

If it goes badly

Share these words

Try not to say

Afterwards

Understand it properly