Deeper Dialogues

What do you need to say?

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What to say

Friends

Someone starts gossiping about a person who isn't there

A friend, relative or colleague starts picking apart someone who isn't in the room. You'd like to step out of it without lecturing anyone or making it awkward.

What they need from you, and why

The person gossiping usually isn't being cruel on purpose. Talking about someone is often how people avoid talking to them, or it's just the easiest story in the room. They're also reading you: a leaning-in "tell me more" is permission, and a flat "I'd rather not" is a verdict.

What the room needs from you is a different direction, offered lightly: a redirect, a question that points them back to the person concerned, and a quiet refusal to carry messages. Modelling a different habit shifts a group more than telling people off does, because people adopt what they've seen work and resist what's imposed on them.

The Conversation Mastery module calls this conversational aikido: using the energy of a conversation to change its direction by offering something better instead of forcing a stop, and it rates modelling without preaching as the most effective way to change how people around you talk. The Question Architecture module adds a test for your own curiosity, "is this question for them or for me?", and notes that the person you're asking can usually tell the difference. Pointing people back to each other keeps you out of the middle.

Understand it properly

First

Before you ask a single follow-up, ask yourself whether it would be for anyone's sake or just for the story.

You could say

  • I don't know about that. How are things with you, though?

    It uses the energy of the conversation to change its direction, offering them something better to talk about instead of forcing a stop.

  • I'd rather not talk about people who aren't here.

    A plain statement of where you stand, with no verdict on them for raising it.

  • Have you talked to them directly about it?

    It points them back to the person concerned, which is where the conversation belongs, and keeps you out of the triangle.

  • That's between the two of them.

    It declines the messenger role before anyone hands it to you.

  • If it's something I need to know, I'd rather hear it from [name] myself.

    It closes the relay without calling anyone a gossip, and leaves the door open for the direct version.

If it goes badly

Three ways this can turn. Read the one that happens; the others can wait.

You've said something like

I don't know about that. How are things with you, though?

  • If they tease you for being precious about it

    Probably. I'd still rather hear your news than theirs.

    Some people will find the change strange at first; let them adjust and keep modelling it, without dimming yourself to make them comfortable.

  • If they insist the person deserves it

    Maybe they've been a pain. It'd still do more good said to them than to me.

    Even when the complaint is fair, pointing it back to the person is what keeps you out of the middle.

  • If they carry on regardless

    Anyway, I want to hear about [their thing]. How did it go?

    You don't have to win; changing the subject, or stepping out of the conversation if it keeps going, is enough.

Share these words

Send them to yourself, or to someone helping you.

Try not to say

  • "Ooh, tell me more!"

    That's curiosity for the gossip, and people can usually tell the difference.

  • "You really shouldn't gossip."

    A lecture puts people on the defensive; a light redirect changes the direction without a fight.

  • Passing it on to the person concerned

    Carrying messages between people pulls you into the drama; point them towards talking directly.

Afterwards

There's nothing to go back and relitigate; the redirect was the whole move, and a lecture afterwards would undo it. If the gossip was about a friend of yours, don't carry it to them; if there's something they genuinely need to know, that's for the person who said it to say. Watch your own questions for a while and ask "is this for them or for me?" before each one. Over time, some people will start mirroring you without realising it, and if a group runs on gossip and keeps pulling you back, you can simply step out of those conversations.

Understand it properly

The words above come from these. A section is about ten minutes; the whole module is there when you have longer.

Where this comes from
  • Deeper Dialogues, Conversation Mastery: "Conversational Aikido", modelling without preaching, and letting people adjust to the change
  • Deeper Dialogues, Extended Family Dynamics: responses to gossip and criticism, triangle traps, declining to relay messages
  • Deeper Dialogues, Building Workplace Relationships: integrity-preserving language about people who aren't there
  • Deeper Dialogues, Question Architecture: "Is this question for them or for me?"

We gather and pass on what researchers and support organisations have found. This isn't a replacement for a doctor, counsellor or support service.