Friends

Making small talk at a party where you barely know anyone

You're at a barbecue or a party, plate in hand, and the friend who invited you is deep in conversation across the yard. You'd like to talk to someone new, and not just to the host's dog for fifteen minutes.

What they need from you, and why

The person you're about to talk to is probably wondering how they're coming across, and probably thinks it's going worse than it is. Most people at a gathering of strangers are scanning the room for an escape route, or standing by the drinks with their phone.

What they need from you isn't a witty opener. It's interest: a question they can answer with a story, and a follow-up that shows you listened. Being asked about yourself is one of the things that makes a conversation feel rewarding, so a good follow-up question is a small gift.

Karen Huang, Alison Wood Brooks and their Harvard colleagues (2017) analysed live conversations and found that people who asked more questions, especially follow-up questions, were better liked. Curiosity helps your nerves as well: David Clark and Adrian Wells's model of social anxiety describes how monitoring yourself makes anxiety worse and stops you noticing the reassuring signals other people send, so turning your attention outwards tends to settle you. And in Erica Boothby's 2018 research on the "liking gap", people who had chatted with a stranger consistently underestimated how much the other person had liked them.

Understand it properly

First

Put your phone away and swap "I hope they find me interesting" for "I wonder what I'll find out about them".

You could say

How do you know [the host]?
Anyone in the room can answer it, and the answer is usually a story: how they met, what brought them here.
What was the best part of your weekend?
It asks about an experience rather than a status report, so you get a moment instead of "fine, thanks".
That's a great [shirt / book]. What drew you to it?
It starts from something you can both see, and it tells them you noticed them, not just the room.
Oh, you're into [thing] too? How did you get into it?
Finding common ground isn't enough on its own; the good part is hearing why they love it.
What's something about your work that most people wouldn't expect?
It turns the dead-end "what do you do" into an invitation to tell you something they enjoy explaining.
It's been good talking with you. I'd love to hear more about [topic] sometime.
A warm close that leaves a door open, so swapping details feels natural if the interest is mutual.

If it goes badly

Three ways this can turn. Read the one that happens; the others can wait.

You've said something like

How do you know [the host]?

If they give short answers and keep glancing around the room
Anyway, I'll let you go and grab a drink. Good to meet you.
Short answers and a wandering gaze mean it's time to wrap up warmly; they may be tired or not in a social mood, and it isn't about you.
If they seem keen but say very little
I'm glad you mentioned that. What was it about [thing] that hooked you?
Some people want to connect but are reserved, so take the lead gently and give them time rather than reading quiet as disinterest.
If they leave you with a silence you can't fill
I'll be honest, I don't know anyone here and I'm a bit rusty at this.
A moment of honest awkwardness usually lands better than you expect, and it gives them permission to drop the performance too.

Send them to yourself, or to someone helping you.

Try not to say

"So... what do you do?"
On its own it tends to get a job title and a polite nod; ask what most people wouldn't expect about their work instead.
"How about this weather we're having?"
Fine as an opener, but if you stay on it the conversation dies before it begins, so move on quickly.
"I love hiking too!" (and then nothing)
Finding common ground isn't enough on its own; the good part is asking why they love it.
Hovering by the drinks, scrolling your phone
Your body language shapes whether you seem approachable before you've said a word.

Afterwards

If you'd like to see them again, say what you'll do and do it within the week: a group walk or a shared interest is the low-pressure version, and it's easy to say no to. Follow up once; if nothing comes back, give them space and don't take it personally. Friendships tend to grow where you keep seeing the same people, so turning up again matters more than the perfect opener. And don't replay the conversation hunting for the moment you blew it: you almost certainly came across better than you think.

Understand it properly

The words above come from these. A section is about ten minutes; the whole module is there when you have longer.

Where this comes from

Deeper Dialogues, New Friends & First Connections: the barbecue problem, CONNECT starters, reading engagement, Clark and Wells, Boothby's liking gap, Bruk and colleagues on honest awkwardness
Deeper Dialogues, Question Architecture: everyday question upgrades
Deeper Dialogues, Conversation Science: Huang, Brooks and colleagues (2017) on follow-up questions, being asked about yourself

We gather and pass on what researchers and support organisations have found. This isn't a replacement for a doctor, counsellor or support service.

What they need from you, and why

You could say

If it goes badly

Share these words

Try not to say

Afterwards

Understand it properly